Fifteen Fair Fighting Rules

1. No Zapping No Name calling, snide remarks, put downs, or negative facial
expressions.

2. Don’t Interrupt Let the other person finish before you speak.

3. No Cross-Complaining When the other person complains, don’t answer with a
complaint.

4. No Bringing up the Past Do not use “always”, “never”, “should”, “if only”, ...
Stick to the here and now, not history.

5. Stick to the Issue Don’t distract or be distracted from the issue.

6. No Physical Violence Allowed This is a firm guideline for effective fighting.

7. Don’t Play Psychologist Don’t try to tell the other what they are thinking or why they
are doing something. Don’t make assumptions.

8. No Emotional Blackmail “If you really loved me, you would...” No fair using love as a
weapon or punishment.

9. Don’t Make Speeches State your gripe and then let the other person answer. If your conversation partner states a point, you must respond to it before you can make a new one. Answer Questions Directly.

10. Negotiate

A. State Your Gripe. Say it in the form of a positive request, not a demand. Report feelings, not just issues.

B. Suggest Some Alternatives. Be willing to accept alternatives or meeting the other person halfway.

C. Look at the Positive and Negative Consequences of Each Alternative.

D. Reach a Solution Instead of trying to “win” the argument, be confident you can reach a solution.

11. Own Your Own Problems, Feelings and Behaviors. Use “I” messages rather than “you”.

12. Time Out is O.K. If things get too heated, ask to continue the discussion at another time.

13. Be Accepting Try to understand that both of you are different in the way you see things and in your emotional reactions.

14. Paraphrase Make sure you heard the other person correctly - restate what you “think” you heard.

15. Be Willing to Listen Sometimes just listening to the other person helps the other person
to get their feelings out - no need for arguing.